Kids Do Well If They Can
“Kids do well if they can” is a quote that stopped me in my tracks. It comes from Ross Greene, author of “The Explosive Child.” The 4-minute video clip where he expands on the concept of “collaborative problem-solving” changed the way I parent my three kids. Greene says that if you perceive your kids’ resistance to putting away their laundry or doing their homework as an “I don’t WANNA,” namely a problem of *motivation*, you get busy as a parent trying to find ways to “MAKE them WANNA.” This approach calls up tactics like sticker reward charts or taking away screen time. Sound familiar? Yeah, been there.
But Greene asks this question, “What if they did WANNA… all along?” Don’t we all want to do well? It’s human nature. If we shift our thinking to reframe that behavior from attention-seeking and limit-testing to the idea that our kids are simply lacking the SKILLS to do well in a particular area, all of a sudden our role is much more productive: figuring out what’s getting in their way so we can help.
Before my son was diagnosed with Dysgraphia in 5th grade, I thought his whining about homework, rushing through written assignments in class, and complaints about his hand hurting were because he just didn’t CARE to slow down to make his work legible. I admit there may have been a few “carrot or stick” moments after school that I’m now not too proud of. Once a brilliant teacher showed us the difference in quality of composition on the same assignment he wrote by hand and then typed, it became clear this was FAR from an “I don’t WANNA” situation. Now that he has accommodations to type all written assignments and tests, the resistance and complaints have all but disappeared.
Many parents may identify with the stress and pressure that would accompany a school counselor listing the ways in which their child is under-performing in their traditional classroom. A kindergartener with ADHD may have considerable trouble staying in control of his body in a sea of other students during math class. A 10th grader with anxiety may struggle to complete her morning routine and get to school on time because a million worried thoughts are distracting her before she finishes her breakfast.
Students at PacPrep find us for all kinds of reasons, not nearly all of which are because their children were struggling in a traditional school setting. Some families want an accelerated curriculum to meet the needs of their gifted students, some travel the world or are transitioning to a new location in the middle of a semester and want to avoid a disruption to their children’s education. Whatever the reason, though, our model truly embodies the concept behind Greene’s collaborative problem-solving philosophy. The thoughtful way in which teachers are selected, curriculum is designed, and feedback channels remain open all lend themselves to understanding each child’s unique needs. There is no question of “WANNA” from the beginning; just the ways in which their PacPrep team can teach the skills they need to do well. We understand, on a fundamental level, that kids do well when they can. We just provide the how.
